Concussed: One Year Later

The point that laid me low.

It's hard to believe it, but a full year has passed since I dropped a bag of beads on the stairs, painstakingly picked up all five hundred of them, and then jumped up from my kneeling position, smashing the crown of my head against the pointed corner of the handrail directly above me. Twelve months later, I have yet to fully heal from the resulting concussion.

An explanation as to why a minor concussion could have such a profound effect on my brain.

Abbey was a big help.

I've come a long way from those first awful weeks where I was confined to my parents' darkened bedroom, unable to tolerate any light, and so nauseated I could barely stand drinking tiny sips of water through a straw. The concussion caused migraines that felt like a roaring chainsaw was being pressed into my brain. My heart raced and I was badly overheated all the time. The slightest noise was agonizing. I was terribly fatigued, but had difficulty sleeping because of my heart rate and the pain. My nausea limited me to a diet that consisted mostly of fruit juice popsicles, a few peanuts for protein, dried apricots for potassium (otherwise I got nasty muscle spasms), and the occasional bland cracker, and my weight started to drop. My one comfort was the company of my loyal dog.

Five Weeks Out: Before and After

Stormy winter weather
caused fatigue and pain.

Eventually, I got well enough to sit up in bed and read, then to spend fifteen minutes at a time on the computer if I wore my darkest glasses. I gradually progressed to watching ocean documentaries because I was able to tolerate the blue underwater scenes. I had a hypomanic burst of energy in August that I used to open my second Etsy store, but most of the time, I found it difficult to think clearly and difficult to concentrate. I was exhausted all the time and had to spend most of my days in bed. My eyes were more light sensitive than they had been before and I suffered as the angle of the sunlight changed with the coming of winter. My migraines were more painful than they were before. I found I was more susceptible to changes in the weather, too.

Eight Weeks Out: Where I'm At

The effort it took for me to take
this photo proved costly.

As the weeks went by, I improved enough to get back to my photography work and watching TV shows on the internet and spending time with my family. I was able to be present, at least for the meal, at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Although they wore me out, I was able to take some dog-sitting gigs. But after three months, my recovery stalled at about 80%.

Three Months

Hanging out with horses
has been very helpful!

I celebrated my birthday a couple of weeks ago, which seemed very strange, since I could have sworn that I'd just HAD my birthday a few months before. In many ways, that was true. July through February had more-or-less vanished into a gulf of concussion recovery; life did not truly resume until eight months later, in March, when I started getting involved with horses. Since then, I've had more strength, energy, and stamina, I've been better able to drive again, and I'm much more likely to leave the house for fun or to ride along on errands and not just for medical appointments.

The beads that caused it all.

But if you compare where I was last year at this time to where I am this year, it's clear that my recovery is still not complete. Last year, I was wrapping up the prep-work for a children's ABC book. To get the necessary props to photograph, I went on many errands and was capable of making three different stops, including at visually chaotic places like thrift and party supply stores, before getting a migraine. I had built up enough strength to occasionally walk the dog. I was taking tons of photographs. My life was, by necessity, very small in scope, but I had sufficient energy to enjoy it and get quite a bit of work done, especially when the weather was nice.

My boxes of ABC props
have been put away.

This year? The ABC book has been shelved (quite literally, in the hall closet) indefinitely. I just can't see having the energy to take on a project of that size any time soon. While I have started driving to visit the horses, I'm most definitely not running multiple errands in an outing. I've taken myself to the dentist and the bank in recent months, but I avoid going in stores, which are just too loud and busy. I ride along on fewer errands with my family than I used to; too often the visual chaos of the outside world speeding by is too much for me. I've found there are movies that I used to be able to watch that I can no longer view because the quick and jagged editing style gives me a migraine after just a minute or two. Sometimes I'll go for a walk around the block with the dog, but any further than that and I risk getting a headache from too much exertion. I'm still more noise sensitive, especially to music, than I was before the concussion. It's really just in the last couple of months that I've been able to resume reading at the my pre-concussion level and sometimes my brain and my eyes are still too tired to handle small print and complex sentence structures. I spent so many days this winter incapacitated by the weather that I actually brought up the possibility of moving to California. It's depressing to spend so much time feeling wiped out and unable to think clearly, but I don't think I'm well enough to live on my own, whereas before the head injury, if I set things up properly, it might have been possible. I also have this ongoing sense of nearly always being stretched too thin, trying to do too much. I feel like I have no reserve whatsoever. I'm very driven by my creativity and my general inclination toward hard work, so it's not easy to scale back to the minimal level of activity my brain demands. I still take lots of photographs, but I've slowed the expansion of my photography as a business. Also, before the concussion, I used to make an Etsy treasury every single week. I seldom have the ability to look at the computer screen for the amount of time it takes to make one (and if I am having a day where I'm able to look at the screen for extended periods, I'm probably busy doing something more immediately relevant to making Etsy listings, like editing photos in Photoshop), so I've created only a dozen or so in the last year. I've also noticed that I watch far fewer movies than I used to; they sometimes seem just too long and demanding. I've been saying for several months now that when the weather finally gets nice, I'll know for sure how far my concussion recovery has come because a) I always do better when the sun is out and b) it had been very sunny prior to my head injury, but I know that even with the sun shining, I'm not up for making extensive alphabet lists and driving from store to store in search of props like I was before.

Photographing things like shrew-
moles keeps my spirits up!

I'd say that I hover around 90-95% of a full recovery one year later. It's a real shame that this happened to me, since the last thing my inflamed migraine brain needed was more inflammation and nerve damage, but what can you do? As I discussed in this post, none of the decisions I made that led to me to get this concussion were decisions I would want to take back. It was simply really bad luck, an accident. Life is full of accidents. I can't take this concussion and its lingering impact away. Sure, it would be lovely to be doing better than I am, but I'll be damned if I waste any of my precious energy on useless regrets. So I do what I always do: take photos, pet the dog, read when I can, watch nature documentaries when I can't, write blogs and listings when I'm able, crochet baby blankets when I'm not, spend time with my family, spend time with the horses. In time, my brain may heal completely. Or maybe it won't. Either way, I'll just keep doing as much as I can with the amount of energy and wellness I've been granted for the day, which, when you get down to it, is as much as any of us can do and a reasonable recipe for satisfaction.

One Year Blog Anniversary

One year ago, on June12, 2011, I launched this blog with a post about successfully photographing lupine at park near my house.

I wasn't entirely new to blogging. I'd been keeping online journals, both private and semi-private, since before they were called blogs. (Remember Diaryland, anyone?) I decided to get into blogging publicly because Etsy recommended it as a way to promote your store and I'm always writing essays in my head on various topics anyway, so I was not opposed to promoting my work and my thoughts in written form! I was also looking for a platform from which to do mental health advocacy work, especially since the onset of the migraines meant I wouldn't be able to do anything that involved showing up in person.

Unfortunately, less than one month after I started this blog, I accidentally hit my head on the stair rail and ended up with a concussion that I have yet to fully recover from. The migraines had already made it more difficult for me to articulate my thoughts and since the concussion, there have been many days where an insurmountable gulf lies between what I wish to say and my ability to say it. (I had intended to post this on the actual anniversary of launching my blog, but was unable to finish it yesterday because my mind quit working!) The easiest posts to write are the ones that describe something I've done, like a weekend spent dog-sitting or spending time with the horses. The more nuanced, thoughtful pieces continue to be very hard to get down: I have two in draft mode, for example, that I haven't been able to work on for weeks. I have enough ideas that I could easily post every other day, but my brain simply can't work that way anymore.

That said, I have managed to write several post that I consider meaningful and important and that have moved people in return. Most of the posts I want to highlight are a bit on the heavy side, so if you'd prefer to look at beautiful photos and hear about my exploits with horses and dogs, you're best bet is to scroll through my blog archives instead! The following are some of my favorites:

Can't Regret What I Did For Love
I wrote this post about not regretting things done with the best intentions shortly after hitting my head.

A Day of Mourning: A Migraine Anniversary
This post sums up everything you need to know about what it is like for me to be living as a chronic migraineur.

My Migraines: A Visual Handbook
This illustrated post defines my migraines in pictures.

The Darkest Evening of the Year
In this post, I recall one of the bleakest days in my early days of confronting my just-diagnoses and as-yet untreated mental illness and why it's worth remembering still.

More Than Just My Diagnoses
I consider this to be one of the most important things I have written and something that I want to share with others!

Choosing My Sorrows: Thoughts on Dogs and Loss
This post I wrote about why I felt sad about the death of a dog I'd never met really resonated with people. Strangers wrote me to thank me for saying what they had been unable to put into words. What started as a sad experience and a personal examination of grief turned into something positive for many people and underscored for me the value of sharing what I have to say.

Gratitude
To cope with the limitations imposed on my life by health problems requires a mindset that focuses on what is positive rather than what is negative. In this post, I walk through my way of thinking about the world so that I am capable of experiencing gratitude on a daily basis.

Haiku of Horses
This is one of the very shortest pieces I've written about my recent experiences with horses, but it says it best.

This first year of blogging has seen me through a variety of ups and downs, including a head injury, the opening of a second Etsy store, being granted disability benefits, buying my fancy pants camera, facing some old sexual harassment issues, the death of an old kitty I cat-sat for many years,  the death of my grandfather, getting involved with horses, and encountering a shrew-mole! I can't wait to see what interesting photos and experiences this next year of blogging will bring!

Equine Therapy 101

Right around the end of January, my mom and I sat down and had a brain-storming session. My concussion recovery had stalled. I was incredibly fatigued all the time. The least bit of activity was exhausting. Most quiet pursuits involve the use of the eyes and I was totally maxed out on looking at things. What, we wondered, could help me be just a little bit more active, wouldn't be too taxing on the eyes, and wouldn't be too loud and chaotic? I don't know what made me think of it, but I suggested, "What about learning to ride horses?"

Me on a pony, age 3

I'm a semi-horsey girl. When I was younger I had several Brayer horse models that I played with ("Touch of Class" was my favorite), was an avid reader of Marguerite Henry books and "My Friend Flicka," had a pony-riding party for my sixth birthday, thought there was no more romantic story than "The Black Stallion," and did once have a riding lesson that I convinced my parents to win for me at a silent auction, but other than going on a few tourist trail rides when I had the opportunity, I turned to other more readily available pursuits as I grew up.

My aunt and uncle's horses in Arizona.

A few years ago, my family had a chance to visit some property out in northern Arizona where my aunt and uncle have horses. We were only there for a weekend, but the it was an amazing trip. I love all kinds of western scenery, for one, so I was incredibly happy to feast my eyes on all that erosion, but I also was really excited to see their horses. I found them somewhat intimidating but fascinating. We took a little ride out into the scrub and I was conscious of one) the fact that I didn't know how to ride at all and two) thinking it would be really cool to know how to do it correctly.

We'd gone to the track to watch wiener dog races,
but I was awestruck by the beauty of the horses

But that was just a thought that I stored in the back of my mind and then I got too sick to travel so going back to the ranch for some more time with the horses was out of the question. I'd sort of had horses on the brain since the summer before last, when we went to the racetrack and I was awed by the beauty of the horses. This most recent summer I found horse movies to be about my speed when I'd sufficiently recovered from my concussion to move on from ocean documentaries but was not up yet for regular shows. I was thinking about them a lot after watching the movie "Buck," about Buck Brannaman, the inspiration for the book and movie, "The Horse Whisperer." (I highly recommend it, by the way.) I suppose it was all these things simmering away in the back of my mind that made me think about horses when my mom and I decided I needed something more to do.

To me, aside from the fact that I think horses are fascinating, horses seemed to have several potential benefits: they are quiet and tend to be found in quiet environments, they are spooked by the same things (bright, loud, sudden, shiny) that give me migraines and are therefore are generally not around those things, it would not require intense visual concentration, it would require larger motor movements than I generally make around the house while not being an activity that would raise my heart rate by much, it would be a chance for me to get out of the house and into nature, and if nothing else, it would be a chance for me to pet a BIG animal and I love petting animals! Horses are shown to be highly therapeutic for all kinds of individuals and when I first had the idea, I checked out the local therapeutic riding school, but they have a two year waiting list. I decided that as long as I found a place to take lessons that would be willing to accommodate my need to go slowly (because of fatigue), I did have the cognitive ability to learn outside of a therapeutic program.

Lucky for me, I happen to live in horsey country. There's a big equestrian neighborhood just a few miles to the south of my house and then more to the east. If you have a horse in the Seattle area, chances are it's boarding somewhere within ten miles of my house. With so many stables around, there are lots of places that offer lessons. I did as much research as I could online and decided to make inquiries at a stable virtually across the street from one of my favorite parks. I used to love walking my dog on the trails through the woods back when I was able and the thought that I might get to ride there was appealing. I also was interested in the stable because they offered lessons in Buck Brannaman-style horsemanship and that's the way I want to ride. It took them a while to get back to me, though, and since I was really eager to start, I signed up to take Adult Horsemanship 101 through the Parks Department. The lessons are held at that very same park where I loved to walk my dog; we used to stop to check out the horses and pet the miniature donkey during our walks. I knew they did pony rides for kids, but I had no idea they offered lessons for adults! So with a great deal of excitement (and a measure of trepidation), I went to the western wear store, purchased an expensive pair of non-decorative, bona fide cowboy boots, used a pedometer to help me increase my daily activity around the house to boost my stamina, re-watched "Buck," and prepared to start my horsemanship adventure.

I'm all smiles while grooming Lacey!

I've had two sessions now and I would like to report that I am loving it! There's just two of us in the class, so it's easy to keep up. It turns out that much of my experience with dogs, at least in terms of how you carry yourself, translates well to dealing with horses. For the duration of the class, I'm paired with a ten-year-old mare named Lacey, a placid white-and-buff lady. In the first class, we learned how to approach, halter, and groom our horses. Lacey had been rolling the mud prior to the first class and I had a simply wonderful time brushing and combing her white again. She had a good time, too, relaxing and drowsing in the sun as she enjoyed her grooming. If nothing else comes of it, I know for a fact that I love to groom a horse as much as I love to pet a dog and that a horse has the advantage of being much, much larger!

There's so much to brush!

During our second class, we got into the saddle for the first time. I discovered that the downside of having a very mellow horse is that the horse is not very interested in moving. We were working on learning how to turn the horses (which is not quite as simple as "pull hard on one side"), but in order to practice turns, the horse has to first be moving forward. I ended up practicing my clucks and heel kicks and "walk on" commands far more than my "whoa!" Apparently, I have the makings of a natural horsewoman--my posture in the saddle and around the horse has been praised--though I didn't necessarily feel that way when Lacey was making a concerted effort to not go anywhere!

I'm clucking at Lacey to encourage her to continue moving forward, hence the funny face.
You can see how beautiful the setting is in this picture.

As I spoke of in my last post, I am keenly aware of the opposites of things, the costs as well as the benefits, and when it comes to activity, I usually must endure an equal-but-opposite reaction. Yesterday, I was outside in the spring air, learning the art of convincing a 1,000+ pound grazing animal to do my bidding. Today, I spent most the day in bed snuggling with my dog, exhausted, foggy-headed, and constantly being pecked at by migraines. (I wrote most of this yesterday while still feeling frisky from my riding session.) Therefore, I must, as always, weigh whether what I do is worth the subsequent suffering I endure. So far, when it comes to horses, the answer is yes! Yesterday, I didn't feel sick or disabled or powerless (except when Lacey didn't want to "walk on," but that's different than feeling like a martyr to every gust of wind). I was outside, the sun was shining, and little kids gathered at the fence of the corral from time to time to watch in awe. I love the smell of the horses, of their coats and even the manure, the sight of the green woods and broad lawns of the park, the unexpected joy of seeing the park's enormous resident pig frisking with the caretaker cleaning out its nearby pen, even the pleasure of wearing jeans and boots, an outfit with far different intentions than my daily uniform of soft yoga pants and fleece slipper-socks. And then there's Lacey herself, shifting her weight off of one of her back hooves as she relaxed into the the ministrations of the curry comb I ran over her warm bulk.

The sun is shining, the trees are starting to bloom, and I am sitting on a horse: all is right in the world.

So far it comes down to this: running the comb over Lacey's contours makes me happy. The scent of her makes me happy. Having something to look forward to each week makes me happy. I'd say that my little version of equine therapy is an enormous success.

8 Weeks: Where I'm At

A sunflower photographed during a sunset visit
to my family's patch at a community garden

Yesterday marked the 8-week anniversary since I whacked my head on the stair rail and I'm ecstatic to report that there finally has been some material progress. I estimate that I'm at roughly 65-75% of where I was before the concussion. Most of this progress came after the 6th week mark, and just in time, since I was starting to struggle with some serious depression. I've been able to decrease my hours in bed and increase my hours of activity, and while I'm still extremely vulnerable to getting overwhelmed, I was even able to leave the house for a non-medical reason the other day without suffering negative consequences! Not only that, but I got some great photos for my effort. So this is all very good news. I also have sufficient stamina to watch movies now, provided they are of the quiet kind, and although it was a bit of a stretch, I was able to look after the Ancient Kitty--an eighteen and a half year-old cat that I've been cat-sitting for years--for a weekend. It was definitely hard at

Me & the Ancient Kitty:
we're friends.

first to walk that block from my house to his, especially during the day when it was hot out. I'd become much better at handling the heat in recent weeks, but being in full sun was another thing entirely. Still, it was nice to be out of the house with my camera again, especially as I got a little stronger, and the Ancient Kitty is not difficult to look after: my primary job is to sit on the floor and pet him! He, of course, appreciates this service immensely and his gratitude makes up for the fact that being skin and bones, he's not all that pleasant handle anymore.

Once I started feeling a little better, I ran into my usual trouble of having no setting between "off" and "high." I had a bit of a hypo-manic spell that had me feeling driven to create and while these phases can be effective in terms of productivity, it wasn't truly necessary to finally open my second Etsy store in the middle of my head injury recovery! It's an idea that has been in the works for months and suddenly I was in the mental mode where I can easily write descriptions for Etsy listings, so after putting up some new Mouse listings, as I reported in an earlier post, I went ahead and wrote up eighteen listings for a new shop as well. That bit of brain-on-fire has passed, thank goodness, and I'm working very hard to take it easy, which is much harder work for me than working!

Abbey in her comforter
nest next to my bed

The dog, of course, is always helpful when it comes to relaxation. She's been sleeping in my room with me at night, something previously not allowed, but when she was in care-taking mode and I was sleeping with my door open because I was overheating in the night, there was no way she was about to sleep in her crate as usual! I have my door closed again, but haven't felt up to the effort it will take to retrain her to sleep in her crate, so it's a slumber party in my room every night. She's been sleeping on my kicked-off comforter next to my bed and is happy as can be. I have to say, it's rather nice to have such deeply satisfied company around! She also loves to sprawl on our back deck, ideally in a patch of sun, and so hanging out in the backyard with her has been a good do-nothing activity for me, too.

Taking it easy with Abbey.

One of the recent developments I'm most thankful for has been the renewed effectiveness of Midrin. It's the only acute migraine drug that has brought me relief  and I have to have it specially made by a compounding pharmacy in Louisiana because it is no longer on the market, so I was really devastated when initially didn't help after the concussion. It's back in business, though, and it's so nice to have a drug that helps with the headaches!

Sunglasses frames vs.
light-sensitivity glasses frames

So things are not perfect. I am still more noise sensitive than usual (I keep Abbey's collar off because I can't tolerate the jingling of her tags, for example) and my eyes are still pretty sensitive and tire easily. (I am glad to report, though, that I've been able to go back to my regular light-sensitivity glasses instead my dark glasses most of the time! I had developed sores on the backs of my ears from the thicker ear pieces on my sunglasses and it was getting quite excruciating to wear them, so being able to finally tolerate the light as seen through my super-lightweight glasses with the red lenses was a huge relief.) The migraine pain is still more frequent and much stronger than it was before the concussion. I have less energy and smaller reserves. But these downsides are being tempered by some upsides. My appetite is returning and I've been able to eat at least one regular sort of meal a day. Sometimes my stomach rebels if I try to eat something too fancy, but I've been able to regain a lot of the weight that I lost during the weeks of terrible nausea. My degree of illness also

Attempting to look
stylish in an X-ray
garment isn't easy!

prompted my parents to make another effort to silence the noisy dogs next door and our neighbors were kind enough to put bark collars on their dogs at our suggestion, which have been very effective! They also got me a blackout blind for my bedroom that doesn't allow any light to enter, so I'm able to sleep longer and as well as fall back to sleep more easily if I wake up in the early morning. Not only that, but I got a lead X-ray apron! It'll take a whole post on its own to explain in detail why a nine-pound apron might be helpful, but the short explanation is that weight helps to quiet my entire overactive nervous system and that's been extremely helpful during this concussion recovery period. And last but not least, two weeks ago I received notice from Social Security that my disability application had been approved! Let me tell you, that went a long way toward clearing up my case of the concussion blues! It took just ten months from start to finish for my case to be approved, which is amazing, especially for something as subjective as headaches, so it felt like I was getting a piece of good luck for once when it came to the migraines! It's an enormous relief that I won't have to wait for a hearing, a process that usually takes two or three years of waiting.

So overall, the news is good. I had a follow-up appointment with my neurologist yesterday and from a strictly neurological standpoint, I'm doing great. It'll just take more time for things to slowly make their way back to my version of normal. It's not always easy to be as quiet as I need to be, but the amount of progress I've made in the last couple of weeks is extremely heartening!

That Which Must Be Endured

For those who are not familiar with how migraines work (it turned out this group included my parents), a little synopsis plus a quick lesson in brain anatomy may be helpful in understanding why bumping my head in a household accident has had such a profound impact on my headaches.

Migraines are considered a neurovascular disorder. While the chemical mechanisms that cause migraines are still poorly understood, a migraine can roughly be summarized as a headache caused by brain chemistry changes in response to triggers that lead to dilation, constriction, and inflammation of the blood vessels lining the brain. Whatever the cause, what is most relevant to my current situation is that the migraine takes place in the menigines, or layers of membrane that cover the brain.

While my brain itself received a superficial injury at most from my collision with the handrail, there was, undoubtably, some damage to the dura matter. In other words, I received a considerable hit to an already constantly inflamed area. Even in the cases of mild head injuries, such as mine, nerve fibers may be damaged and sometimes deteriorate and cerebral circulation can be slowed or abnormal for months or years afterward. Migraines and other headaches can occur in patients who were previously headache-free, and there is plenty of documentation of exacerbation of existing migraines following mild head injuries. The question remains as to how long-term the increased severity of my symptoms may be and to that there is no clear answer. I expect to be better than I am now (and I have improved, if only marginally, as the initial swelling and bruising that likely occurred has gone down), but there is no question that it is worrisome to cause nerve and circulation damage to a brain that is already suffering from a neurovascular disorder as well as a more generalized nervous hyper-excitability. With my brain existing in a perpetual state of sensory overload from innocuous input, I will not be surprised if it remains sensitive to the effects of genuine damage for a long time to come.

Before and After

When I saw my neurologist a couple of weeks ago, I was rather surprised that she had essentially zero interest in hearing what had gone on in the five months since I'd seen her last (though it could be summed up by the words, "no change"); all she was concerned about was the two weeks that had transpired since I'd hit my head. Nearly five weeks post-concussion, though, I better understand her focus. She's right: everything has changed.

The last two years of my life now comprises three eras: my life before the chronic migraines started (we shall refer to is was the B.M. era), the twenty-one months of daily migraines prior to the head injury (D.M.), and then these five weeks after the concussion (P.C.).

I'd found that things that I could accomplish in hours B.M. took days in the D.M. era, things that took days B.M. took weeks D.M., and things that took weeks B.M. took months D.M. If I thought everything took longer with migraines, it doesn't even compare to how much exponentially longer things take now. I've spent a week, for example, trying to write this post, but generally have to lie down after writing a few sentences and am too exhausted to write at all on most days. My previous entry, although mostly photos, nevertheless took several days to put together.

It's the fatigue that has surprised me the most. I've experienced the worst light sensitivity and the worst nausea in my nine years as a migraineur during these last few weeks, but those things, fortunately, have gradually abated. I've found, though, that getting worn out makes me extraordinarily vulnerable to seeing these symptoms reoccur. The stress and stimuli involved in seeing my neurologist, for example, left me too nauseated to even drink water and so light sensitive that the little bit of light filtering through my eyelids as I lay in a room with the lights off, doors closed, and the blinds shut was intolerable. It was more than a week before I even began to recover and I was nearly sent back to square one when I started having trouble sleeping because I was overheating in the night.

But beyond coping with stressors, the day-to-day exhaustion is considerable. During the D.M. phase, I might spend 18 hours in bed on a really bad day, but 12-14 was the more common range.  P.C., on a GOOD day I'm only in bed for 18 hours. On a bad day (and there have been a lot of them), I may spend 21 to 22 hours in bed. I generally haven't been sleeping more than twelve hours, but I haven't wanted to be up during the other twelve hours when I'm awake. Trying to produce anything (like writing) has been nearly impossible, and I've gone as far as temporarily shuttering my Etsy store. I could have left it up and just ignored it, but the idea that someone might BUY something was exhausting. Watching a bit of TV on the internet has been a stretch most days (I've confined myself by and large to nature documentaries) and I haven't had the slightest interest in attempting something as long as a movie. I'm not always up for reading, but if I finally have reached my limit for lying in the dark while my mind wanders (I've done a considerable amount of "writing" in my head over these last few weeks), it's generally preferable to the light, movement, and sound to be found on the screen or, for that matter, in the real world. We've finally had a bit of nicer weather in this part of the country, but I'm better off when the sun isn't shining. There are just too many leaves out there, too much light and shadow. I've only left the house once for a reason other than a medical appointment and it was a mistake. I thought riding along on a twilight errand might be a welcome change of pace, but it was far too much light and movement.

Another P.C. change is that the one acute migraine drug that I'd found helpful D.M. no longer works. Time will tell, but my neurologist is not optimistic. The blow to the head may have caused a long term change to how my migraines work. Right now, my greatest relief comes from an anti-inflammatory from the ibuprofen family (which, fortunately, has not interacted negatively with my lithium as often as I feared it would, though it just so happens that today is one of the days when it has caused my lithium level to spike, which means I can't take more until my lithium level comes back down) and Vitamin B12 injections. My naturopath taught my parents how to give me them at home, so I've been able to have one twice a week.  The most effective treatment, though, is lying in bed in the dark doing nothing. Having worn myself out completely in my effort to get all this down into writing, that is what is on my agenda for the rest of the day.

It's a strange life, and made stranger still because it resembles, in many ways, the months of migraines that preceded it. But this is undoubtably a new era, and a harder one. I hope that it won't be too many more months before it starts to get easier.

Can't Regret What I Did For Love

I've always loved a line that comes at the end of the play "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead" (I can't find my copy, so will have to paraphrase) when they are standing on the platform with nooses around their necks and one turns to the other and says, "There must have been a moment, in the beginning, when we could have said no, but we missed it." That's life: you answer a summons from the King and Queen of Denmark to hang out with your ol' buddy Hamlet because you have no way of knowing it will end with a betrayal by your friend that results in your hanging. Of course, sometimes you answer summons that lead to great things or others that simply go nowhere. You will always miss the moment when you could have said no. Furthermore, you must always risk on the side of saying yes. (I'm not talking about known risky behavior, I'm talking about living.) I could be spending my hours in the darkness fretting and regretting that I made the decision to photograph those beads last week, that the beads spilled, that I wasn't three inches to my left when I stood up after picking up the beads so that it would have been my shoulder that smacked into the handrail and not my head. I could have said no  But I didn't, and even though I am now coping with a minor concussion vastly magnified by my chronically inflamed migraine brain, I wouldn't undo the decision to photograph the beads. It was a good decision. To pick up the beads after they spilled was also a good decision. That I didn't realize I was directly beneath the point of the handrail when I stood up is simply chance. Once I'm back on my feet, I will continue to take photographs of interesting and unexpectedly beautiful things, some of which must be carried down the stairs and possibly spill, and when they spill, I will pick them up. (Though I will be much more mindful of making sure there is nothing overhead before I stand!) In life, we must answer the summons to go to our friend Hamlet, who has been behaving strangely as of late.  We might be able to do him some good. We cannot assume we will be hanged.